Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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