You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize