Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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