Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
