My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
