My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
