It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
