i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
