I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
