so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
