Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
