So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
