why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
