I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
