I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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