My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
