She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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