i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Mom said you looked used
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
