mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
