What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
