walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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