Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
