im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
