i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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