Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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