Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
