I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
