Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize