I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
