Can Purell be used as lube?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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