i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize