So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
