you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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