I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dignity is for republicans.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Randomize
