I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
