and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
foreskin is a definite game changer
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
