I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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