I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
