before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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