he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
