i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
