How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize