you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
