so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize