Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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