In America we eat man semen.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
