I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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