so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
