I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
