the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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