there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
