I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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