Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Drake has all the answers
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
