I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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