I hate all girls vehemently.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
