Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
