Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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