Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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