Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
