I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
3pm strippers are depressing
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize