my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I did not marry a roomba.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
