9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I am naked and annoyed.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
